Six

Think of one of the best days you've ever had. Now think of one of the worst. Were they close together? Years apart? For me, one of my best days and one of my worst days were six days apart. Six days. Not even a week. My world was turned upside down in less than a week. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in six days.

October 6, 2016. We got a call from our adoption agency. Strike that -  we got THE call from our adoption agency. A birth mother chose us and she was due in a few weeks. It was the call we had waited and prayed for. We were finally getting a baby. We spoke with our caseworker and she gave us information on the birth family and told us that it was a baby boy. We were beside ourselves with excitement. As soon as we got off the phone we called Hannah into our room and told her. She started crying because she was so happy. We hopped in the car and drove over to my parent's house to tell them. It was one of the best days ever. That weekend we went to Target and looked at carseats, bassinets, and baby clothes, but didn't purchase anything because we were being cautious. We talked about names. We organized and started talking about a theme for the nursery decorations.
We were so excited because his due date was within days of my brother and sister in law's due date. We talked about how crazy it was going to be with two babies. Two babies for Thanksgiving. Two babies for Christmas. It was as if everything was falling into place exactly like it was supposed to.

Then, October 13. Shaun's at work and I'm home with Hannah. I get another call from our agency. The baby was born and the birth mom left the hospital without signing an adoption plan. The baby will be taken into DSS custody upon his release from the hospital. She would try to contact the birth mother, holding on to hope that as long as he was in the hospital there was still a chance she could make an adoption plan, but it was a long shot. Just like that everything changed. The world crashed around me. I went from the ultimate excitement to a pain I didn't think was possible. We always knew that there was a risk of a birthmother changing her mind. It's always there in the back of your mind, but knowing it didn't prepare us for the pain of it happening. Actual physical pain. Curled in a ball on the floor sobbing kind of pain. I got off the phone and realized that I had to tell Shaun and Hannah. And my parents. How in the world was I going to tell Hannah that she wasn't getting the little brother she was so excited for? I tried to compose myself as best as I could and I called her into the living room. I'll never forget seeing my sweet, innocent little girl crumble to the floor in tears, her whole body shaking as I told her. She kept asking "why?" and it was something I couldn't answer. I then had to call Shaun and tell him. I still don't understand why it hurt so much to lose someone we never met. Then I think about him. For six days, I had a son. For six days, Hannah had a little brother. I felt like I had lost a piece of myself. Like I was living in a horrible nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. We didn't tell anyone outside of our family that we were getting a baby, so no one knew. As hard as it was to keep the happy secret, it was even worse to keep the horrible one. I had to pretend that everything was normal. I had to pretend that my heart wasn't broken into a million pieces. People would ask "So, how's the adoption going? Anything new?" I'd just smile and say, "not yet, still waiting." Every time I'd reply, the weight of our loss came back upon me. I thought about that little boy every day. Praying that he was ok. Wishing that he knew that for six days, he had a family that loved him. For six days he had a big sister. For six days he had the happiest parents on the planet. I wondered if he was ok. If he was loved.

Six months went by. The pain lessened, life went on, I got to meet my beautiful and amazing niece. Still, in the quiet of night, or a random time during the day, I'd think of our almost little boy. I'd wonder if he was smiling like my niece. If he could roll over, or sit up. I hoped he was happy, loved.
Then six weeks ago I got an email. The birth mom had contacted the agency and wanted to make an adoption plan. The baby was in DSS custody, so it would be difficult for the agency to get involved with his placement. The email asked if we were interested in pursuing this. We agreed, but said that if his current foster parents were planning on adopting him, we wouldn't try to pull him from that situation. We weren't going to fight DSS, or take him from the only parents he's ever known. Our caseworker said that she'd get in touch with her attorney and they would look into his situation. I don't think I can adequately put into words the anxiety of waiting to find out if this little boy was meant to be ours. Shaun and I didn't tell anyone. Not Hannah, not Mom. We weren't going to put them through the stress or heartbreak of another failure. So, we dealt with it quietly and alone. Finally, after six weeks of anxiety, we spoke with the attorney and decided that based on the information we had, the emotional and financial risk of pursuing this further wasn't something we are comfortable with. We aren't wiling to risk the money that people have given to us and raised for us. If we attempted a legal battle with DSS and lost, we would lose the money we have for our adoption and that would be the end. If we lost, then we not only lost the money that was so generously given to us, but we would lose the chance of ever adopting. I couldn't fathom telling Hannah that it was never going to happen, or telling those that helped us that we lost the money. We made this decision a week ago. Not a second goes by that I don't wonder if we made the right choice, but it was our only choice. I will never stop praying for our almost little boy. I will always think of him and wonder if he's ok, if he's loved, if he's happy.

Now what? Now we continue waiting. We wait for another birth mother to choose us. If that happens, we will do things differently. We won't tell Hannah until papers have been signed. We won't tell anyone. I can't put Hannah through the heartbreak again. I won't. So, we wait. We wait for another phone call. We wait, this time a little more guarded, a little less optimistic and a little more realistic.

Back in the day

29 years ago today I arrived in the loving arms of my parents. Ok, maybe it wasn't 29 years ago, but since I am now perpetually 29, that's the number I'm going with. That's not the point. The point is that this is the anniversary of the day I met my family. Back in the day - many, many, years ago, adoption was done Old School. Not baby in a basket down the river old, but old. Guess that would be more Old Testament than Old School, but I digress...  

My mom and I. 

On that frigid Ohio evening, my parent's lawyer, Dan, and the social worker, drove from the small town we lived in to Akron, realized they had the wrong paperwork, drove back to our town, then back to Akron. They sprung me from the hospital and drove the 3 hours back home. Everyone met at the lawyer's house and I got to meet my parents for the first time. I don't remember any of this, of course, being all of three days old at the time, but I'm told it was quite an exciting day. 

My Dad and I.

Things have changed in the adoption world in the last 29* (ahem...) years. More paperwork, more money, more red tape, more...more. We have finished our homestudy update, once more we "seem" mentally and emotionally stable enough to adopt a baby. Now, we get to resume the super fun, super fantastic, super "make you want to scream" tediousness of waiting. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting to hear that we have been chosen by a birth mother. No, I don't jump every time the phone rings. Thank goodness for caller ID. Everyone asks if we are ready. My answer is always the same. We are as ready as we can get. 

Something I've learned during this long, long, long process is that I am still not a patient person. Waiting for God's timing is taking forever. We just keep hoping, keep waiting, and waiting, and know that His timing will be perfect...eventually!

National Adoption Day

Today is National Adoption Day. Maybe one day it will get the attention that Talk Like a Pirate Day, Hot Sauce Day, or even No Pants Day do. Maybe one day the news will mention it.  Maybe one day... Adoption is one of those things that people get kind of squirmy and look confused or constipated when you talk about it. They're all for it, yay adoption and all, but what do they really know about it? Hopefully more than those God-awful Lifetime movies portray. You know the ones. There are two types: The first - evil guy in white van sells mystery baby to several couples, absconds with the cash and there's never a baby. The poor upper-middle class families are heartbroken, but enter attorney/pastor/pregnant teenager and all is wrapped up with a little bow, just at the end of the 90 minute movie. The other type of adoption movie the one that evokes that "chunks rising in my throat" feeling is the one where mom, dad and baby are super happy until baby is about two or three and then the birth parents, suddenly, want the baby back. Lots of drama, a court battle, tears and then tied up in a neat little bow at minute 89, just in time for the credits and sappy music. 

Why am I talking about D grade movies? Well, for one reason, it's my blog and I can do what I want! But the main reason is that I hope our adoption experience normalizes adoption. It's not a Lifetime movie - but I'm eager for the day that our journey is wrapped up in a little bow and we can all move forward as a family. 

So, where are we currently? Let's put it this way - It takes approximately 19,885 sheets of paper to crush a human skull. Seriously, I did the math. We are about 10 sheets away. We saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but as you may know, sometimes that light is actually a train. A large train. One that says "time for an update to your homestudy." Yep - that's right. We get an all expenses due, more paperwork to fill out, homestudy update! No door number three for us. We are almost done with the second round of paperwork, a few more odds and ends to submit, and another home visit with our lovely social worker. That's the best part. She's phenomenal. Once that is done, can you guess the next step? Waiting! I'm like a pro at that part! We wait until we are chosen by a birth mom. 

Birth moms are women who are making a heart wrenching decision. They are presented with the option to abort numerous times during their nine month pregnancy. Society tells them that it's the easy way. The best way. What I hope that these women know is that there is another option. It's the decision to give life. It's going to be hard, but we will raise that baby as our own and love it unconditionally. That's what my parents did with me. My mom stayed up with me night after night when I was sick, helped me with my homework, and was in the delivery room when Hannah was born. She is my mom and I am her daughter. No, she didn't give birth to me, but she gave me life and makes my life better every day. The same goes for my dad, and I want to follow their example and love our child just like they love me.

For everyone reading this - do me a favor today. Take a minute or two out of your day and pray. Pray for the birth mothers. Pray that they choose life and that they are given a peace about their decision. Pray for children in orphanages and in foster care. Pray for the social workers and agencies trying to find families for these children. Finally, pray for us and the other families going through the adoption process. Pray that we aren't crushed by the weight of the paperwork, or the weight of the stress this process can bring. Pray that one day soon, we will have our baby home.

Radio Silence

Yes...we are still alive. We didn't fall off the planet of enter the witness protection program...yet. I just decided that the whole "full disclosure" thing I promised was harder than I expected. Some things I didn't want to share. I didn't want pity, or that puppy dog eyed head tilt that people do when they've heard bad news about someone.

So...what's been going on? In March, we got a call about a little boy who needed a home. Long story short, we interviewed with a panel of about 12 people for an hour, and waited a stressful weekend to be told that another family had been selected. Hannah was crushed. I felt numb. Shaun was disappointed but tried to lift our spirits. It wasn't something we had gone in search of, it was presented to us by someone, and it wasn't through our agency, but DSS. It still stung. To say we were disappointed would be quite the understatement. It left me feeling numb and unsure if this was something I wanted to put my family through again.

It's three months later. I've put dusted off my pride, put on my big girl pants and decided to - finally - revisit this blog.
Here's what's new. Hannah just finished 4th grade. I can't believe she will be 10 next month. Time, please slow down!

Shaun's podcast is holding a golf tournament to benefit the adoption. If you know of someone who would like to sponsor a hole, be a title sponsor, or if you'd like to play in the tournament, contact the Laymen's Cup at laymenscup@gmail.com.

A sweet friend from church is holding a Noonday Collection Trunk show, also benefiting our adoption. Noonday Collection is jewelry made by artisans around the world and is beautiful. You can shop online to benefit the adoption and these awesome artisans!
https://www.noondaycollection.com/pws/BethanyWike/eventstore21509/AMUS/default.aspx

Thank you for your support. Thank you for caring.

Pretend This is a Clever Title, Ok?

It's been a while since I've updated you lovelies on our progress. I guess that's because there hasn't been much to update. We were thrilled when our homestudy was completed and approved. We felt like we had cleared a giant hurdle and it would be a smooth road to the finish line. We were way too optimistic. As it turns out, the hurdles are still in front of us.
We have decided to use a different agency for the remainder of our adoption process. This agency is located in Rock Hill, South Carolina. There is nothing we have to do over for the switch, as they will accept our NC homestudy. One of the main factors that led to this change is the difference in adoption laws between NC and SC. NC has a seven day revocation period. Meaning, for seven days after the birth mother signs the adoption papers, she can change her mind. Seven days of every time the phone rings wondering if it's the agency telling us that the birth mother has changed her mind. SC doesn't have a revocation period. Once the birth  mother signs the papers, usually 24-72 hours after the birth, it can't be revoked.
The hurdles come in the form of paying for the remainder of the adoption expenses. We are applying for several grants and even low interest loans, but those won't cover the entire amount.
Our first plan is an online silent auction. If you are a crafter, direct sales person, willing to purchase gift cards, have items you're willing to donate, please let us know. We hope to start taking donations as early as today, and be able to start the auction in a week or so, depending on the donations we get. It will be on Facebook. The items will be listed with a photo, and anyone interested in bidding will bid under the picture in the comments. Seems simple enough, right? I hope so.

Full Disclosure, we've been discouraged lately. Me especially. It seems sometimes that every time we think we are getting closer, it just seems far away. I'm hoping we can get people to donate to this auction and then get others to participate and bid.

Thanks for reading this. Thanks for your prayers and support.

Yet Another Update

Hello out there in cyberland. Just a quick update. Our homestudy has <FINALLY> been approved. What does that mean? In a word - Fundraisers. Grants. Loans. Gifts from long lost rich relatives maybe? We are starting the super fun process of applying for any adoption grant we can get our hands on. We are also working on some other ways to raise the funds.
Thanks for all of your prayer and support. I appreciate each time someone asks how the process is going or says that they are praying for us. I'll let you know more when we know more!

The End is Near...Or is it?

We had our last visit with our super awesome caseworker last night. The first meeting was at our house and she got to meet Hannah. The second meeting was just the two of us, and the third was her and Shaun. Last night Shaun and I met with her for the final time and I'm going to miss chatting with her! She has already sent us the rough draft of our homestudy document to be fact checked, and, being all punctual, I've already sent it back to her! Yay, me!
I've never read one before (why would I have?) so it was actually interesting to see what all it entails. I still don't find us particularly interesting, but maybe that's a good thing. She wrote about our childhoods, schooling, how we met, how we parent Hannah and the best part...she wrote that we both "appear to be emotionally stable." I don't know why, but I got a good chuckle out of that. Not that we aren't stable (Shush, you! You know who you are!), it's just funny to see it written.

So, what's next you ask? Well, once she makes the changes she sends it to her boss with our agency. She said it should take about a week to be approved. After that, we will have an honest to goodness signed homestudy. Woot! Why woot? Woot because it means we can apply for grants, interest free loans and other ways to raise the funds we need to complete the adoption. (Unless you, gentle reader, happened upon $25,000 that you just can't find the use for. If that's the case, we should talk!) Seriously though, yes, it seems like a crazy amount of moolah, and yeah, it's a lot, but when there's a will, there's a way. Pretty sure some really famous philosopher said that. Or Charlie Brown.

We've said from the start that we are open to either gender or any race. <Insert looks of shock and awe here.> Yep, that means that there is a high likelihood that our new family member won't be all pasty pale like me! If you are shaking your head at that, don't call me. We can't be friends. One of the adoption classes we took called it "conspicuous families." Families that stand out. I'd like to change that culture. I think that a family is so much more that skin color. I would love to live in a world where it was completely normal for the family members to be a whole mix of colors.

Anywho...stepping away from my soapbox before I really get going. The next few months are where we will be writing for grants, working on fundraisers, all in the hopes of bringing our new baby home.

What can you do to help you ask? (You ARE asking that, right?? I thought so!) You can pray! Pray that we are able to secure the funds as quickly as possible. Pray that we do everything for the Glory of God. Pray for the birth mother of our baby. Pray for peace for her as she makes what has to be an unbelievable difficult decision. Pray that She knows that we will always love her for the gift she gives us. Pray for us. We haven't had an infant in nearly 9 years. (If you don't own stock in Starbucks or Folgers now might be a good time to invest.) It's going to be a change. We get that, but also know that it will be a change for the best!